


An empty bottle, for my empty heart

by 5secondsoftumblr



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5 Seconds of Summer - Freeform, 5SOS - Freeform, Alone, Angst, Breaking, Broken, Fluff, Lashton - Freeform, Lost - Freeform, M/M, Sad, Self Harm, lonely
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-31
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-17 15:05:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1392121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5secondsoftumblr/pseuds/5secondsoftumblr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke has never been good at expressing his feelings.<br/>He's used to being alone and being in a band makes that quite hard.<br/>So when Luke starts to develop feelings for his bandmate Ashton he feels he has no other option other than to suppress his feelings and drink them away, unfortunately he picks up another habit as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so i hope you like this i will edit it later and feel free to drop in requests anytime xxxx ;)

**WARNING CONTAINS GRAPHIC SELF HARM**

 

Lukes POV

 

 

 

I watch as Ashton plays his drums, warming up. I could watch him for hours to be honest, i would never get tired of being able to watch him do what he loves.

I sometimes get annoyed that i'm stuck at the front of the stage, while Ashton is looking gorgeous at the back.

"Luke?" "LUKE?"

"Yes?" i turn my body towards Calum who is looking at me with a raised eyebrow, everyone is looking at me and i can only assume that they all saw me looking at Ashton.

I cross my arms over my chest, rearranging my bracelets, I look over to Ashton and see him looking at me as well, he laughs and shakes his head making his curls bounce around.

"Do i have something on my face luke?" Ashton says with a hint of teasing in his voice.

My cheeks flame bright red and my hands get sweaty, i just shake my head numbly at him and hope thats enough of an answer, i am met with the booming sound of laughter form everyone on set, which just makes me blush even harder and tighten my arms around my waist.

"Okay guys come on now that luke has stopped day dreaming we can get back to practise!" Calum yells out.

I know it was a joke but i still feel the self hatred come crashing down onto me.

 

 

 

_Fag Luke, you're just a fag_

 

 

 

I scratch my arms subconsciously, feeling the all too familiar itch on my wrists.

"Actually Calum thats the end hometime!" One of the on set people yell out and i can't help but blow out a breathe i didn't know i was holding in.

"Cool, Luke the boys and i are going to get some pizza, wanna come?" Michael asks me and i know his intentions were in the best place but honestly i just wanted to go home, have a drink and remind myself of how disgusting i am.

"Nah don't worry, you guys go have fun, i'll see you tomorrow" i smile at the end to give them some reassurance but from the look that michael gives me i can tell he doesn't believe a word.

Michael leans in closer to me and whispers in my ear.

"Mate you sure you're alright? you don't want me to stay with you tonight do you?" he asks his voice filled with worry.

I sigh, i'm causing michael stress, i'll just add a few more scars and drink a few more bottles tonight i guess.

"Nah mate i'm sweet, you guys have a good night though yeah?" I watch as michael nods but i can see he doesn't let it go completely.

I watch as michael makes his way back towards the boys who are standing next to the drum kit, laughing.

Michael says something to the boys and calum and ashtons heads both whip up to look at me, i'm not the quickest so i quickly look down and fiddle with my iphone pretending to be busy. I hear someone make their way over to me and once i hear a cough i know who it is, i look up and am met with the shitting grin of the one and only

ashton.irwin

"Hey mike said you weren't feeling the best, you alright?" Ash furrows his eyebrows in something i can only describe as worry, i can feel myself smile a bit at the thought of Ashton actually caring about me.

_But why would he worry about a worthless fag like you?_

I can feel my whole body deflate in self hate, pressing in and in at the sudden realization of what i am.

A worthless, useless, ugly, fat, fag!

I can feel the itch start once again on my wrist, i have to get out of here quick.

 

 

 

 

"Hey you alright Lukey? you look a little pale?" Ash reaches out to touch my arm in comfort, but me being the fuck up i am, any touch sets me off and i fling back with a force, Ash looks at me with hurt visible in his eyes and i start to feel even worse, if thats possible.

"I'm fine, b-but i r-really need to go n-now a-ash, talk s-soon yeah?" i don't wait to see him nod and instead turn around and run for the back door,  picking up my bag on the way out, i vaguely hear him yell out "Yeah okay, bye?" And then i'm out into the cold london air.

I love London. I do, but sometimes i just realize how far away from home i am and all the homesickness comes back and it becomes too much.

I run a hand through my blonde hair and sigh, i know what i'm doing tonight, the same thing i do nearly every night to be honest.

I shake my head and start the short walk back to the apartment.

 

 

 

 

The house pops into my view all too soon and before i know it i am opening the front door and kicking off my shoes. It's mild in the house and makes me shiver slightly.

Calum has left the radio in the kitchen on again and i can recognize the sound of 'Say Something' has just started, i have to scoff at the ironic situation.

Walking over to the fridge i bend down and reach behind the jar of pickled turnips, to find the three bottles of vodka, i have to hide them in the fridge or else the boys will wonder what the hell we have three bottles of bloody vodka for? I grab all three and close the fridge. I know its dangerous to have just hard liquor so i grab a bag of chips as well, with a struggle i make my way up the stairs and into the first room on the right, which just so happened to be my bedroom.

I place the food on the bed and rub my arm, grabbing some new clothes i get changed, into my sad clothes, they consist of.

The baggiest sweatpants i have, one of the old tops of Ashtons that i nicked months ago and had a big rip on the sleeve, and some off Cals boxers.

I know that when i put these clothes on it means i don't have to worry about getting blood and liquor on them, after getting changed i open the first bottle of liquor, deciding that i'm not very hungry right now, i leave the chips.

On the floor i lean against my bed, humming an old forgotten tune, my head is swirling and i am all too aware that i have nearly finished the first bottle of vodka, and i haven't even touched the chips...

"And i, will stumble and fall...i'm still learning to loveee, just starting to crawl..." My lips start to tremble and i can feel my throat closing up, when i swallow it feels like i've swallowed a tennis ball and it feels painful.

"S-say something i-i'm giving up o-on you..." My voice trails off softly as the sobs erupt from my throat, sending me forward, clutching my arms, i wail loud and clear, it sounds like something breaking and it is, my heart, breaking at the thought that, someday Ash is going to meet a girl, that one day Ash is going to marry that girl and that one fucking day, Ash is going to have babies and grow old only to eventually die with that girl.

And to be honest, that thought breaks.my.heart

 

 

 

"Why do you have to be a fag luke?!" I shout at myself angry

"Why do you have to like boys?!?! Why can't y-you b-be F-FUCKING N-NORMAL!" I bang my hands against my head out of frustration at the world, at god, at myself.

I sigh and bring my hands down, they are shaking and red from hitting myself, but the pain felt good and then i'm reminded of how much i deserve the pain. I'm remembered of the looks everyone in school gave me when i would walk through the front gate, i'm remembered of the punches and kicks i would receive after school while cal and mike would wait at my house with Ash for band practise. I close my eyes briefly and i imagine the blade running across my skin, watching the beads of red liquid surface quickly, and i imagine as i watch myself watch the blood run down my arm and drop onto the floor. i imagine it.

"N-need to f-feel better" I mumble sadly to myself, the alcohol doing a spot on job of messing me up.

Bringing the bottle with me i take big swigs of vodka and then i am happy when my vision starts to go blurry and i feel numb again. Walking into the bathroom i pull out a razor from the drawer, i have my own bathroom so i see no reason as to hide the blade that well. I fall to the floor in a heap and roll up the sleeves of Ashtons top, as i pull away i see all the horrid scars which litter my wrist, a maze of white, pink and some purple lines, its disgusting to look at and all of a sudden i find myself flinching at them, the way they remind me of my self worth, of my self confidence, how i'm all alone and the boys have no idea.

I slowly drag the blade across my wrist, the familiar burn attacking my wrist alone with the feel of the red hot blood trailing down my arm towards my elbow, i know that i am shaky and drunk, and in absolutely no state of mind to be holding a razor, but then again i should never be holding a razor to my wrist, i shouldn't, but i deserve it all i deserve the pain and i'm so numb now, so numb.

So when i cut extra deep, i feel only a slight twinge of pain, but what i do feel? 

Ashton ripping the blade from my hand and watching him throw it away into the bin. I look up at the bathroom door wearily and see a fuzzy michael and calum with tears streaming down their cheeks they are walking into the room as well and i can hear the boys crying and hugging me, i am all too out of it to feel the sting from the disinfectant that Ashton presses hard against my arm, someone starts to wrap up my arm after that and i can feel the bitter sweet pain of reality come back to me a bit and i am aware of people hugging me and kissing my forehead, i'll be alright, i know i will, but it's worrying when i can see Ashton crying and saying things to me and i can't hear him, his words not going through to my brain, the sense of reality i had before is floating away.

I can feel my head feeling lighter and lighter and then when i feel as though i am about to lift off the floor and fly.

 

I fall onto my side and pass out. 

 

 


	2. Reality ruined my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luke knew he had to face what had happened the night before sooner or later, he was just hoping for later.
> 
>  
> 
> -where luke has to face the boys and others after his suicide attempt  
> -incredible fluff :3  
> -sad moments  
> -no death don't panic bby xxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so people wanted a part 2? and i was like 'really?' so if you amazing people like this please leave a comment! and any requests you have :) xxx

**LUKES POV**

 

Reality sucks.

Its a cold harsh slap to the face, it pushes you down when you have lost all energy and most of all, it reminds you of how foolish you are.

I can feel the sound of rain outside my window. I snuggle down further into the comforting heat of the soft bed beneath me, the blankets wrapped tightly around me creating a cocoon like feel, I wonder what it would be like to be a butterfly? My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of my squeaky bedroom door opening and its then that i can feel the once again familiar sting of realities harsh bitter slap. 

I tried to kill myself, i tried to commit suicide, I actually went through the process of trying to kill myself.

 

And i **failed**

The feeling of failure is already disappointing, whether you get a bad grade or lose a game, what ever.

But i **couldn't even kill myself.**

Being wrapped up in my thoughts i only just notice the quiet breathing of someone on the opposite side of the room, fighting the urge to just stay put and go back to sleep I, slowly and awkwardly sat up, in the process i managed to crack a few bones and stretch my limbs.

I look across the room and see Calum stand up immediately at seeing me awake, he takes big long strides across the room until he is right in front of me, looking down as i am in bed.

No one has said a word yet and i don't know if i should be worried or not, they all know. They know how completely messed up and crazy i am, they will probably send me away, they want me gone, it will be in the papers and i will be known as the weirdo an-

"Hey Lukey calm down its alright, you're fine, you're safe.." Calum says as he reaches up and strokes my hair, knowing it calms me down.

I close my eyes and try to gather my thoughts, my mind is jumbled and it feels like it just won't process anything, I open my eyes and instantly am met with the sad lost gaze of Calum Hood.

"L-luke?" Calum says hesitantly and i am unaware of what he wants until he brings both of his tan arms out in the signal that he wants a hug, i look him in the eye and i can see the forming tears and can't help but sluggishly move forward into his arms.

Calum rocks us both quietly as he starts to cry, his sobs slightly echoing in my cold room, 'what have i done?' i think to myself, 'i caused Calum pain, i made him cry' i reach down to my arm, ready to scratch, when i notice it's wrapped up in white gauze, i take a deep breath and start to scratch it hopelessly, it giving only little relief to the many, deep scars beneath.

Calum pulls back quickly from the hug and all too easily sees me scratching at my wrist.

"Oh Lukey.." Calum whispers quietly, and i can only thank him for whispering as i don't think i can handle any yelling right now.

I look down at my wrist and all i can see is that stupid white gauze, keeping them covered, my ugly little secrets which are now not so little and by no means a secret.

"Luke? I need you to talk to me, what happened in the bathroom last night?" Calum is looking at me desperate for answers and in all honesty i don't know what to tell him, surely he knows what my intentions were? Surely he understood that i had no hopes in coming out alive?

"I-i don't know..I j-just wanted t-the pain to end..." I croak out, i can feel myself trying to slip away, back into my own little world, but i can't Calum is here and he will help me.

"What pain Lukey? I just want to help you." I nod my head as if i  understand, but the truth is? i don't, why would he want to help me? a useless good for nothing ugly _fag, ugly, fat, cunt, useless, wrong, worthless_

"Hey, hey Luke calm down, its alright, i'm right here, hey you're alright" I can feel it again, my breathing getting restricted, my thoughts over clouding my brain, its happening too quickly and its too much.

I reach an arm out into the general direction of Calum and feel for his hand.

"Hey luke its alright, you're alright babe its alright shh" Calum pulls me out of the bed and into his lap on the floor, he leans against the bed and pulls me close to his chest, my head resting in between his neck. He breathes with me for around 10 minutes and when i mess up he just starts again, not even bothered.

"That's it Luke, you're going great, there we are, breathe with me, all good yeah?" I wheeze out my best 'yeah' and smile softly, lifting my head up from Calums comfy shoulder.

I look around my dark room and decide to sit awkwardly on my bed, i feel better but i can still feel the dread of what is to come.

Calum walks over and sits with me, not too close, but close enough.

"...I really wanted to die last night Cal, and if you hadn't shown up this morning i probably would have finished myself off." I can hear the quick intake of breath from Calum and i can see how his arms tense, i can't bare to look at his face so i just look at the sheets, where his hands are crushing the pretty white fabric.

"...Where are the others?" I ask Calum keeping my eyes firmly on the bed.

"They are downstairs, we all wanted to come up but Harry said it was best if only one cam-"

"Wait?" I turn towards Calum, looking him dead in the eyes "Harrys here?" Calum just slowly nods his head and mutters almost silently 'and the rest of One Direction' But i heard him and i am suddenly bombarded with the thoughts of going downstairs, only to be met with the disapproving looks from everyone.

"Do they hate me?" I ask, my voice sounding quiet and not at all like my old self.

"No! No, no, no absolutely not! Lukey look at me, nobody hates you." Calum says, looking me straight in the eyes, i smile at him and make a small hum of acknowledgement.

Looking down at hands I breathe out into the silent room, "I'm going to go downstairs then i guess..." Calum takes my hand softly and gives me a reassuring squeeze.

I look up and smile at him, happy he is not rushing me with it, i look into his eyes though and i can see what i had feared, the blame, he's blaming himself and that's exactly what i didn't want to happen.

**********************************************************************************************************************

Calum and i make our way down the wooden stairs, and after being up in my cold bedroom the rush of air from downstairs is a relief.

I can hear the quiet chitter chatter from the kitchen and after looking at Cal i let go of his hand, we both walk into the kitchen, Cal in an old vans top and shorts and me in my...oh, i only just realized i was no longer in my bloody, disgusting clothes but now in Mikes fat pants and one of Ashs Ramones tops.

I round the corner of the kitchen and Cal is in front of me and i walk in and its all sudden, everyone's eyes are on me, and i didn't know who i expected to be down stairs but it wasn't 3/4 of 5sos and 5/5 of one direction.

Mikey steps forward as soon as he sees me and goes straight in for a hug, i can't help but close my eyes and cuddle into his warm and welcoming chest.

After he lets go, my arms immediately go around my waist, as i try to cover up the band aid on my wrist.

"Hey Lukey" I look up and smile softly as Ash comes up and pushes himself into me at the last moment, i can feel him gripping the back of my shirt, not even caring that i wasn't hugging him back because my hands were locked between us.

Ashton steps back after a moment and i look over the kitchen to see all of One Direction standing on the opposite side of the kitchen, now knowing Niall i could never expect him to keep his emotions inside, so when i see him with red eyes and tear tracks down his cheek i can't help but whimper quietly, and that's all it takes for all of One Direction to come running up to me and pushing me into the middle of a soft but firm cuddle, and it felt really, really nice.

After everyone had pulled away from the hug Calum came up to me and grabbed my wrist, unknowingly he grabbed my cut up wrist and i couldn't help but let out a quiet 'ouch' Liam turned to look at me and i could see the sadness in his eyes and he came up to me.

"Come on Ash, i'll redo your bandage." He says leading the way to the bathroom, and i turn around to look at everyone in the kitchen, and i leave just at the right time to see Ash and Harry start to cry and turn to the other boys.

"Now lets look at those cuts.." Liam says, he takes off the bandage and puts some things on the cuts, and wipes them with stuff and puts more stuff on before throwing away the other stuff he didn't need.

"There we are, brand new!" Liam says with an easy smile.

"Thanks liam, i think i'm going to go get some breakfast." Liam smiles and follows me back to the kitchen, Ashton turns to me instantly and sees me eye the cereal on the counter, he smiles at me, his dimples protruding proudly and pores me a bowl of cheerios, after adding the milk and getting me a spoon he brings the bowl over to the dinning table where everyone is sitting around it looking at each other with stolen glances.

I pull one of the middle chairs out and sit down glumly, feeling so small, yet standing out like a sore thumb.

I pick up my spoon and start to eat some food silently, all the while the boys are all talking through Morse code.

"...So hows the new album coming along guys?" I ask quietly, trying to break the awkward silence i created. Louis looks around and decides to answer "Oh great, great yeah getting a lot of good material and stuff..." and all too soon the awkward silence returns.

I put my spoon down after having only three bites, and sit back, keeping my arms in my lap, fiddling with my fingers.

"Aren't you hungry Luke?" Harrys deep voice cuts through my concentration, i look up at him and shake my head slowly, my bowl is being taken away by a whisking Ash to the kitchen.

 

Its awkward, i can feel it, i am making everything awkward, it's all my fault, my fault, my fault, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

"I'm sorry!" I yell suddenly, giving everyone at the table a good scare, i look around and i can feel the tears that have been building in the back of my eyes start to well up.

"Why are you sorry Lukey?" Mike asks me looking at me with nothing but concern, but fuck the concern, i don't deserve the concern, i should be in the ground, down in hell for being such a fuck up.

"I'm a fuck up, i'm not good enough, i hate myself, i create problems for all of you guys and last night i tried to kill myself and i am so fucking useless that i couldn't even do that right!"

 

I am met with the cold bitter silence, and its times like this that i wish to go away to my special own wee world, where nothing wrong happens and everyone is good enough, its times like this that i wish i could stop crying, but i can never seem to stop the never ending tears which seem to pour out of my eyes and dribble down my cheeks, making my eyes red and even more gross.

"Oh Luke..." Ashton says, before he is coming up behind me and pressing a soft kiss to my forehead.

"Please don't say that stuff about yourself Lukely, you're amazing." Ashton presses another kiss to my forehead and i look around at the rest of the table and everyone else is nodding their head as well.

I stand up suddenly, pushing my chair back and making Ashton jump out of the way.

"THEN WHY DON'T I FEEL LIKE IT? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FUCK UP? I HATE MYSELF, I HATE MYSELF! I DON'T GET IT? ITS NOT FAIR! WHY AM I A FUCK UP? WHY AM I NEVER GOOD ENOUGH? I JUST WANT IT TO END! I JUST WANT TO DIE!!!" I collapse to the floor in a broken heap and the rush of Mike, Cal and Ash rushing over and cuddling me is a matter of seconds, as i quietly wail 'I'm broken, just let me die, i'm broken just let me die.."

And Mikey reaches over, his face so sad and distraught as he brushes some hair out of my face, kisses my cheek and says...

 

 

"Never."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy so i think there are some parts where it is like o_o wat? but overall i hope you enjoyed it? i really love when people comment so if you could do that i would be happy?! Um and yeah i hope you liked this and i don't know if i should do a part 3 or not? if you guys want it i guess? :) Xxxxxxxxxxx


	3. I wanna get better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi so i thought before i do a lot of long chapters i would post this small wee bit and if the response if good i will post the other chapters which i have saved but not published :)

**LUKES POV***

"Other than that we have told the fans shows have been stopped for a few weeks because of exhaustion, so don't worry about them finding out." One of our bosses Ryan explains to us, but i've stopped listening 20 minutes ago, i play with a loose thread on my one of Michaels t-shirt (which michael insisted i wear) and twist it around my finger. I run a hand over my face, feeling tired and bored with this conversation which just seems to go around and around, i run a hand threw my messy blonde hair which is clean from the bath Calum insisted i had the other night, i was mortified when he told me he would be helping, i mean of course we have seen each other naked before but times had changed and...stuff had grown, but i was grateful none the less, he went right thru washing my hair and washing my back with a sponge and then he watched 'finding nemo' with me along with the company of the other boys.

Its been around 5 days since my second break down with One Direction, and since then basically i the boys have cried and told me they love me while i cried and told them i am sorry, i haven't cut or had a drink in 5 days, and it may not be really long but i'm proud. My mum found out about the situation 2 days ago, i didn't have any bravery to tell her sooner, i know she deserved to know as soon as it happened but i've been having constant anxiety attacks throughout the day and nights, she cried on the phone and asked if i wanted her here, i told her i loved her but i wasn't ready just yet, but i would let her know when i would need her. "Is that alright lukey?" Michael asks as he rubs his hand over Calums pants (which i happen to be wearing) i look up and see the three bosses in front of us and the boys looking at me, i cough and clear my throat before croaking out a 'sorry?' Ashton smiles at me and leans over a bit "Babe when touring starts again with One Direction...we think therapy 3 times a week with a counselor on the road would help?" I open my mouth in protest but then i look around and i see Calum with his eyebrows slightly frowning and eyes all big and brown, and then Michael, still rubbing my leg comfortingly, and then back to Ashton, who is looking at me with his big eyes and his pink lips only slightly pouted and he keeps rubbing his hands together nervously, a habit that he's had for years.

"Oh um, yeah i-i guess thats alright.." i say stuttering a bit, to be honest i'm not so sure how i am going to get through this tour, it seems like its going to be a non stop thing of people asking me if i'm okay, when in all honesty i have no idea, they then start to talk about how we have 4 weeks break to spend time together and calm down and then onto the different counselors i could have come on the road with us, but i'm back in my head and thinking about everything unimportant, I look to the boys beside me and just start to notice all the small things, i often did this, just stare at them and see their reactions and facial expressions. "Okay so i will see you boys in 4 weeks! stay happy and together, good luck boys!" I shake my head and smile softly at them all and with a backhand wave we're all out the door and on our way back into the van.

THIS IS JUST A WEE TASTE IF YOU LIKE THE WAY ITS GOING THEN LET ME KNOW AND I WILL POST THE REST OF THE CHAPTERS I HAVE SAVED, I DONT KNOW IF PEOPLE WILL LIKE THE WAY I HAVE TAKEN OR NOT SO...


	4. What's Hurting You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys so if you like this please let me know and i will post more chapters <3 x

**LUKES POV***

"Okay boys we're home, i'll see you boys in a few weeks then, if you need **anything** and i mean **anything**...just call, okay?" We all nod at our bodyguard and continue out of the car, i immediately stuff my hands into my pockets and pull down the sleeves on michaels shirt as the cold London air nips at my skin.

"Hey Lukey, you're with me tonight." Ashton calls back from the car as he makes his way over to where i stand by the front door, i smile back softly nodding my head in acknowledgement, this has been happening the past 5 days i'm not aloud in the bathroom alone, i'm not aloud in a bedroom alone, i'm not aloud in the kitchen alone and to add to it the knife draw and liquor cabinet have been locked with a key only the boys know the where abouts of.

Calum walks over to the front door and unlocks it with the key, he pushes the door open and lets us all in first, there are no paps outside today which i can't blame them for as it as bitter cold, but then again thats just London for you. I go thru the house and collapse in the living room on the couch, i pick up one of the fluffy cushions and cuddle it close to my chest, i can hear the boys in the kitchen moving around and i know that one of the boys will walk thru the open arch way in a second.  
 I decide not to wait for them to come in and decide i want some water, pushing myself up from the couch i walk towards the clean white kitchen, the boys all look up from their current jobs which includes Michael on his laptop, Calum making toast and Ashton sitting down with his iphone, on what i can only guess as twitter, they all go back to their little things as soon as they stared.

I walk past the dinning table and counter top into the open kitchen. "Hey Lukey, want something?" Ashton asks putting his phone down and standing up ready to get anything i desire "no thanks, just getting some water." i say reaching up to get a glass, i grab one and reach down, i turn to the tap and fill up the glass, planning to go back to the living room i don't see Calum behind me, but i do hear Ashton.

"Luke!" I turn around and look at Ashton but all too soon i feel the crashing of Calum into my side, his toast falls to the floor and my water spills all over his shirt.

I look down at the watery and toasty mess on the floor and i can feel the burn of tears in the back of my eyes, nothing like this has happened for a long time and i can feel the eyes of everyone on me.

I'm so sorry Calum i-i didn't see you, i-i didn't m-mean to.." I bend down to pick up the mess of the toast and its then that i see my hands shaking, i reach up to get a cloth from the bench and bring it down, by now i can feel the tears making my sight blurry.

"Luke don't worry bout it babe, its fine i'm fine okay don't worry." Calum tells m, but i'm not listening, i can feel it again, it hasn't happened in a few days and i can feel it

_Well done Luke you fucked up as usually_

"fuck up" I repeat to myself quietly as i clean up the water and pick up the toast, Calum bends down and tells me to 'stop' but i can't hear him, i don't know what i'm doing, i'm not here again i'm watching it happen i'm not in my body

_Faggot, Fuck up, Cunt, Fatty, Ugly, Loser, Worthless_

"LUKE!" I open my eyes and look into the worried ones of Ashton Irwin, hes holding me on the floor, his hands cupping mine and tears are streaming down my face, i'm shaking slightly and my head is spinning.

"F-fuck up.." I whimper brokenly, i can feel all the self hate come pushing down on me, suffocating me silently.

I reach down to my arms and subconsciously scratch, i can feel the cuts underneath start to break and blood blossom over my bandage, a hand whips out to stop me and i see with frantic eyes Michael kissing my wrists.

"I'm sorry." I whimper to Ashton, before leaning back into his embrace, he clutches to me as if i will disappear at any moment, "I've got you love, don't worry i've got you" Ashton strokes my hair as he hums quietly to me, I look to the kitchen and see the mess has been cleaned up and Calum has gotten a different shirt and is standing looking at me worriedly.

_Fuck up_

The voices in my head tell me, clouding up my mind.

"Please make them stop" I wail at Ashton, he looks at me with tears in his eyes

"Whats hurting you Lukey?" I look up at him and close my eyes so the tears don't escape again.

 

"Myself."

 

 


	5. Pretend you're smiling so they don't see the pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its short but its something <3 fluff

**LUKES POV***

 

"Myself." I whisper into the room, i can feel Ash pull me closer to him, his arms wrapping a bit tighter across my waist.

I keep my eyes closed, not ready to see all the faces of the boys i love, not ready to see reality. My arms are heavy and i look down and see the blood on my arms, it hasn't been long so the blood hasn't started to dry yet, i keep my eyesight on the floor after looking at my arms, i can feel the burning gazes of everyone in the room so lying myself back a bit more i look up at Ashton.

"Hey.." I say

"Hi" Ashton replies

I don't know what takes over me but i let out a small smile and a breathy laugh, Ash looks at me confused and i just keep the ghost of a smile on my face for a bit longer, I close my eyes again and i can hear all the boys start to talk, about me? probably i tell myself.

"Come on Lukey, lets get you to bed.." Mikey comes over and picks me up, i hadn't realised but it must have been nearly half an hour of me on the floor, i had almost fallen asleep on Ash, i cuddle into Mikeys warm chest and i feel him support my back by pushing my head into his chest, my long legs are hanging off his arms, but i don't mind i can hear his heartbeat and its lulling me back to sleep. I'm soon being tucked into a nice cool bed and after being left for a minute or two i think thats it but then i feel a body press up behind me, i turn around tiredly and with great difficulty, i open my eyes.

"Hey.." Ashton whispers into the close quarters between us

"Hi.." I say yawning, i move forward and i cuddle into Ashton, i don't know what i expected to happen from it, but what i didn't expect was for him to move his arm so it was resting around my waist.

"You're so beautiful Lukey a-and it kills me that you...that you don't see it, i could stare at you for hours you know? Watch the way your eyes light up when you hear something interesting or you get an idea for a song, how when you're angry you lick your lips a lot, you think people don't notice and i don't know how many people do, but..i do, and it drives me crazy, i try my best to get up first in the morning so when you see me i look decent, i want to get up so i can make you breakfast as well, you know when i saw you guys were looking for a drummer? I knew who you were, i had watched you a-and if i'm being h-honest, i hated Calum, i don't anymore but i did.." Ashtons voice trails off and i can see him getting choked up.

"Why?" I ask my tone confused.

Ashton huffs out a laugh and squeezes me tighter, "Because i thought he had you a-and i-i didn't want a-anyone to h-have you.."

Ashton finishes his little speech with a kiss to my forehead and i don't know what to say from it all, its just a whole lot of feelings that are out in the open now and...i don't know how to react to them.

Its a sudden thing and i make sure it doesn't last long, but i pull away from Ashtons chest to look up and place a quick but meaningful peck on his lips, its quick and as soon as its done i return my position in Ashtons chest, but i can feel the way he rubs my waist a little with his hand, and how he snuggles a bit further into the bed.

"Thanks Ash" I whisper after around 10 minutes, my eyes fighting to keep open, i let them flutter close and my body relax, and if after a while Ashton thinks i'm asleep and kisses my forehead while whispering 'I love you so freaking much Luke Hemmings'

Well then that would be that.


	6. Anxious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> poor lukes having an anxious day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everybody! so i am absolutely asstounded by the positive responses from everybody, i hope this isn't getting too long and that people still like it, this is quite a chapter thats close to my heart as anxiety and panic attacks are things i have unfortunately dealt with, but anywho i hope you like it and yes! please let me know in the comments if you did like it :)

**Lukes pov**

'Should we just leave them?' 'Nah its 11:30 they have to get up sometime'

I'm awoken to the sound of loud whispers in the room, i'm not one to like the morning, so i tend to try my best to sleep in

I can feel arms wrapped around my waist and a bare chest offering warmth to me, so i snuggle in deeper which gets a light giggle from the body underneath me, the body starts to grumble and i can hear movement and then a light 'ow' from Calum i think, i don't listen and try my best to snuggle back into the comfy bed.  
'Shut up Luke's asleep!' Ashton whisper yells, i smile slightly with my eyes closed at the thought of Ashton getting all huffed up in the morning, my wrist itches and for a moment i forget about my cuts, but i'm remembered when Ashton quickly brings his hand up to push my hand down and whisper quietly to me 'shhh' and honestly his voice was like honey, sort of gravely but then deeper than usual. I have to get up though, i know i do, but i can tell todays going to be a weird day, i'm feeling a bit off and confused about everything and its all flying around my head and-

_Calm down Luke Calm down_

I tell myself, i'm alright i've got all the boys here and we're fine.

I grumble as i can still hear the quiet whispers from the boys and Ashton telling them to 'shut the fuck up' oh well may as well get up.

I move my body from its warm wrap of blankets and open my eyes slowly, i see a blushing Ashton who is looking at the boys with fire in his eyes and Michael and Calum standing by the door looking a bit sheepish.

"M-morning.." i say slowly, feeling sluggish.

Ashton smiles at me and moves forward, he places a light kiss on my forehead, "morning lukey you slept for quite a while, you must of needed it huh?" Ashton giggles at the end, i just nod my head slowly while looking at the boys, michael and calum are smiling at the scene in front of them before they notice luke looking, michael hits calum in the stomach as if to say 'tell them' but calum just looks shocked and hits michael back in the side, michael glares at him but turns back to Ashton and i.

"So we were thinking that um...w-we could all um y-you know go to t-town?" Michael drops his head when he finishes and i can see calum look up hopeful, i wouldn't mind going to town, the only thing is that my anxiety isn't feeling to great today.

_but you can't tell them that! they are obviously bored of being stuck with you, let them go out! pretend you're okay and you'll be fine!_

the voice in my head hisses to me with such hate, are the boys bored of me? i didn't mean them to be! i told them to leave me and all b-but...maybe i should pretend? 

_just do it don't whine_

I look up from the where i had been fiddling with the sheets in my hand, i see Calum, Ashton and Michael looking at me expectantly, i look to Ashton and see him biting his lip and i realize i must have been quiet for a few minutes.

"Lukey we don't have to, you know that right?" Ashton says looking worried, i shake my head immediately and i can see calum and michaels faces fall from the door, "Okay thats fine Lukey we can just stay home don't worry we can all watch a movie!" I look up and quickly shake my head "No!" The boys all look at me quick shocked at my sudden yelling, "No, no i mean i don't mind going to town w-we can go!" I get out with a little stutter.

Calum and Michael look at each other and smile big before running out of the room yelling after them 'GOING TO GET READY!' 

I turn to Ashton and see him looking at me with an eyebrow raised I give a little cough and make a move to get out of the comfy bed but Ashton grabs my hand "Are you sure you want to go Lukey? You and I could just stay? you look a little pale.."

I just give him an easy smile and nod my head "Don't worry, i'll be fine Ash and i-its just the morning so i'm a bit pale don't worry though."i try my best to give him a reassuring smile.

He looks at me for a few seconds as if deciding in his head if he could trust me. He nods his head "Okay, but Lukey i-i need you to tell me if you need anything okay? if you want to go home, if you want to go somewhere quiet, if you need the toil-" "Ashton i am perfectly capable of going to the loo.." i mumble quietly, he just chuckles and nods his head, making his perfectly messy morning curls bounce around.

"Okay then, but you promise right?" he holds out his long pinkie and looks at me expectantly I giggle a little bit and nod my head, wrapping my just as long pinkie around his "Promise Ash" He smiles big at me, all teeth and dimples, and i shake my head before looking towards the door, i smile at Ash and he slowly lets go of my hand.

"I'm gonna go have a shower then" He just smiles at me, i nod my head and awkwardly turn away to the door, and i swear as i click the door shut on my way out i could hear my heart beating in my ears, i bring a shaky hand to my chest and push down a bit, i can feel my anxiety pushing, making me feel small and my hands getting sweaty, then again that could just be because Ashton was just holding my hand, never the less i bring my other shaky hand up to my hair. 

I give my hair some quick painful tugs before i release the hold and make my way to the safety of the bathroom.

Besides, i can always break down in the shower, i turn the bathroom light on and watch as the bathroom illuminates with light, i squint my eyes a bit and rub them with the back of my hands, i yawn and stretch my arms, hearing a few bones crack and feel my body stretch before lagging back to its original lanky figure.

I turn the water on in the shower and strip my clothes, i double check to make sure i locked the bathroom door, and then i head to the big oversized mirror which is basically a wall, i look at my body, i don't understand it to be honest, everyone else i see and talk to is always telling me how lucky i am and how 'hot' they think i am or how they want to marry me, i just don't get it, because i look at myself in the mirror and i just want to change every little thing about me.

I bring my hands up to my arms and slowly peel off the bandage, my cuts are getting better and they are at the stage where they have just started to turn into scabs and honestly after this long i would hope so. I bring my hands down back to my sides and stare at myself, my dull lifeless blue eyes staring back, i disgust myself, from my arms which are littered with horrible white and pink scars, my hair which is never perfect, my nose which is too big for my face, my stomach is massive and full of fat, yet i still give off the appearance of being 'lanky' i have always been jealous about the fact that Ashton and Calum have their beautiful muscles and Michael has them as well, he just doesn't tend to have them as on show as the others, while little old Luke is left with nothing.

Sighing i glare at my reflection before spinning away from the wall and moving to hop into the shower. I start to quietly sing as i wash my hair and body, just the songs that have been stuck in my head, or really anything that lowers the anxiety that is building up in my body from the idea of going outside.

Outside, where people judge you, on how you look  _fat fat fat_

How you talk  _annoying fuck up never talks mute_

Who you love  _faggot faggot gay homo loser worthless wrong_

Bringing my hands up i run them down my face and its then that i realize i am on the floor of the shower, my legs bent in front of me as if i am hiding from the world, the water from the shower is hitting my thigh and giving me a water blanket which i am thankful for, i look to hands and see them shaking, my cuts and still closed which is good, but i can feel sweat trickle down my back, even though i am in water, i can feel my throat start to close up and my chest feel tighter and tighter.

_Oh shit, a panic attack_

I try to whisper helpful things to myself as if to not syke myself out, 'don't worry luke' 'everyones out there, they care!' and it does help, my breathing doesn't sound like i'm choking and in all honesty i probably sat there on the ground for at least 15 minutes trying to get my breathing back to normal, but once it is i stand up, trying not to fall back down.

I dry myself off and wrap a towel around my waist, i am about to open the door, when a few knocks ring out through the bathroom, i call out my voice still a bit shaky "Hello?" And i am met with Calum calling out "luke! i picked out some clothes for you! come on unlock the door mate!"

I quickly unlock the door and look up into calums eyes, hes smiling and he hands over the clothes, i reach for them and i hear a quick intake of breath, i look up and see calum trying not to stare  (but failing) at my cuts, i look at them and see them looking all gross and ugly, just like me, they are scabbing over and drying hard from the shower.

"U-um so w-we'll wait f-for you downstairs yeah?" Calum nods his head himself even though he just asked me, i just whisper out a quiet 'yeah' and close the door, i lean onto the door and clutch the clothes.

'He thinks i'm a freak!' I think to myself

'He probably already knew' I let out a bitter laugh and move away, i look at the clothes Calum has given me and see he has picked out a blink 182 grey band top with long sleeves and some black skinny jeans, he also got me some old red converse, socks, underwear and a green jacket which mikey always calls calums 'hobo' jacket, but calum has told me to wear it so i get the clothes on and wrap myself up in the warm item.

Turning away from the mirror after looking at myself for the millionth time and making sure no cuts are showing, looking at myself from different angles trying to see if i can look skinny at all, but after failing a number of times i give up, i finally decide my hair looks shit (as always) but passable and the clothes look good, not on me but they work really well together, calum always has been good at that.

"Okay you can do this luke!" I tell myself

"Not gonna screw it up! its just a trip to tow-" I am interrupted by the bathroom door opening   (shit i forgot to lock it again!) and Michael walking in, he sees me and smiles reaching his hand out i look at it before smiling and wrapping mine around his, he smiles and turns off the bathroom light.

"Now.." he says "OFF TO TOWN!!!" Before he pulls me along and we are galloping down the stairs, well he is, i on the other hand am flailing down the stairs, almost tripping, but being saved by mikeys tight grip.

when we get to the bottom of the stairs and the other boys are there too, we all make a move to the front door, and as calum locks the door i look around outside.

"Yeah...fun times" I murmur before Ashton comes over and hugs my side, he then pulls me into the van and puts me in my seatbelt, i just lean back and look out the window, far too anxious to care.

_Don't let them in, don't let them see_

i think to myself, after hearing let it go on the radio

_Don't let them in..._


End file.
